It's been 8 years since I left everything I knew, I left family and friends, and made the life-changing decision of coming to live and study long-term in China. It was a choice I made very resolutely and responsibly. It was a brave thing to do. And I have achieved most of my goals.
It will undoubtedly have great impact on my life.
I have learned a lot, and many things have happened. I have changed a lot.
Recently I'm looking back to this part of my life and think very deeply about what I have found and experienced, what I have seen and felt,
what I am going to leave behind...For several reasons my life in China in the past 3-4 years has not been happy. Actually those of you who know me know well that I was extremely unhappy and sad. There are things that are beyond my power to positively change no matter how hard I try. I feel incredibly broken hearted, saddened, vulnerable, dejected...Each day I wake up and the day feels broken…
I regret very much staying in China the past 3 years. I should have left. Even though I had no "plan". I should have left. I stayed because I felt helpless to make a choice for change. I lacked courage and strength to move on.
I stayed because I was hoping with all of my heart for a positive change, I tried hard, but instead things got worse.
Now with each day closing in on my departure (which for the moment I decided will be somewhere in the end of August) my feeling of helpless sadness and loneliness increases each day and crushes me relentlessly.
Some days the burden of empty and joyless lonely days is unbearable. I feel lost.
It is true that 8 years ago I made a conscious choice to leave everything and come to such a far away country, in a way it is a sort of an "exile".
But being alone in a completely foreign country can be a devastating experience.
I am bearing the toll of my own decisions and choices.
I have no one to blame.
I'm trying to positively look forward to the change that will happen in my life with leaving China, but at this moment it is very hard to imagine that I will find joy and happiness in my life.
Unfortunately for many reasons China has had a damaging impact on most of my dreams, illusions, hopes. I feel much more bitter, much more cynical and negative compared to my usual pessimism, thoughtfulness and oversensitivity...
China was a mysterious place to which I traveled with a wide open heart hoping for enlightenment, knowledge, self-development. For some time I could cope with my loneliness, because there was so many new and different things to discover and experience. But from one point on disillusionments and disappointments just kept on piling up. I lost my sense of purpose.
I feel so utterly disillusioned now that it is hard to imagine that even such an
idealist like me will ever find courage to believe and hope and once again some day find the courage to open my heart to anything or anyone ever again.
These days I feel the burden of all this even more acutely.
It’s so hard to find again courage and strength and hope.
The hardest thing.
Friday 26 June 2009
"DON'T BE EVIL"
I actually really didn't wanted this BLOG to be a "China Blog", but it seems inevitable, since almost all of my posts are China-related...
This is yet another post about China.
Ahead of the 60th anniversary (on 1st of October later this year) when Communist China was established, OBVIOUSLY China is taking serious measure to make sure everything goes rosy and great for this important for the Party event...
ANYthing that can question, threaten It's authority will be 'harmonized'.
So the censorship machine is rolling relentlessly. As I already pointed out (it turns out others have similar thought and observations the recent Green Dam filtering censorship software might turn out to be an idea that will most probably have the opposite of the sought result...
Some have already noted the short term and long term implications of the enforced censorship...
I'm not sure about that. We must wait and see.
I have NO doubt that the recent Internet crackdowns are not just directed at really preventing porn from harming the young generation...I'm just sure that the purpose(s) is larger and broader...The anti-porn campaign is just giving credibility to the real purposes of the Internet crackdown. More simply put - the aim is control. Control (restriction) of freedom of expression, freedom of information, freedom of disagreement...
And while this Green Dam fiasco might have already backfired and actually prompted some people to become even more anti-censorship savvy and sensitive to the thuggish control coming from the top (some have already protested and even issued a manifesto, see below...), in the long term I'm thinking if this software and other measures actually manage to hold up it will have unimaginable consequences for the majority of the Internet users. And as we well can imagine controlling the Masses is more crucial than controlling everybody...Maybe the Government thinks that that is a risk worth taking.
Those who are more obstinate will find ways to circumvent the "Great Firewall", the others will just complacently put up with it...In the long run, people just accept "reality" and live with it. That's it. There is an amazing Chinese "quality", that always irritates me the most - putting up, indifference and complacency with the current status-quo of things...it is almost a miracle for someone to even question and demand change...Not a big one, even just a small dayly matter one...It's not that Chinese don't see problems or don't mutter under their nose complaining. But it is extremely rare that they will take actual action in improving or changing things...That's my explanation as to why the hell change is so incredibly slow in China. For an extremely dynamic country (perhaps unparalleledly dynamic) real, essentials change takes place with the slowness of eons...
The Chinese are ULRA practical people. If the intrusion is not too great they will just put up with it. There is a line of "tolerance" that if not crossed will just not lead to substantial disruption of the status quo. Ironically the Chinese proud themselves with their "endurance" 忍. And while endurance can actually be a positive quality in many cases it can easily be a negative one. In my view, if you have principles you should stick to them. In many cases Chinese-style "endurance" is actually meaning that they have nothing to stand up for. Nothing to defend, no values they feel strongly about, no principles that are crucial to honorable existence, no dignity. This kind of "endurance" I just don't respect and refuse to accept.
----
Meanwhile. China has obviously declared war to Google Inc. After blocking YouTube and Blogger some time ago, on Wednesday all Google services were disrupted, including main search engine, Gmail, Google Talk, etc.
It's an all out Cold War of China VS Google Inc.
Under the pretext that Google's search engine is providing links to porn sites, China is extorting (blackmailing) the popular mega-corporation to make even more compliant to "Chinese law" changes. (China's local search engine Baidu is linking to porn sites undisturbed meanwhile)
Google search already has complied with previous China "requests" for censorship. They will most probably do so now too.
The US government issued a formal protest against the Green Dam software, but the emphasis is on the trade, business aspect of the issue (firms are given the costly ultimatum to provide the questionable software with each PC sold in China after 1st of July)...
Hm. How about human rights issues?!
In some relevance, Yahoo!'s CEO on Thursday said a memorable sentence when asked about the requirements of the Chinese government and their implications for the restriction of freedom of information. (Not Yahoo!'s job to 'fix China': CEO )
She said: It is not Yahoo!'s job to fix the Chinese government.” That’s not the mandate that the shareholders gave us."
Hm, that comes from a company infamous for disclosing information before to the Chinese government which led to the imprisonment of Chinese dissidents...
So. When the question is about money big companies such as Microsoft, Yahoo! and Google with probably think more about profit rather than on loosing trust with "consumers"...
In Google's case, the most free-source and a corporation that has already won the trust and respect of users, whose motto by the way is "Don't Be Evil", siding up with "Evil" in excange of material interests will be a crucial loss of trust and respect. At least on my side...
----
Green Dam-ned related blog post and news:
Rebecca MacKinnon who specializes in studying Chinese media and Internet in her BLOG RConversation(blocked in China)in her blog post "China's censorship blowback" observed:
Most of China's educated, largely apolitical, internet-connected urbanites have until now been generally willing to accept the political status quo - and with it a certain amount of censorship, thuggishness and injustice, political paranoia and occasional bizarreness - in exchange for overall social stability (compared to any other time in living Chinese memory), economic growth, plus an impressive increase in China's global power and status. But whoever is driving the latest Internet crackdown and the accompanying moralistic propaganda drive may have done substantial damage to the government's credibility.
------------
China Blocks Google to Stifle Online Dissent Ahead of Nation's 60th Anniversary
"The U.S. and China are waging a war over the Internet, a war of information. It's a new Cold War," said Li Xiguang, dean of the journalism school at Beijing's Tsinghua University.
A declaration published Thursday by anonymous Chinese Internet users promised that all new efforts at censorship would be met with online sabotage.
"We are the Anonymous Netizens. We have seen your moves on the Internet. You have deprived your netizens of the freedom of speech. You have come to see technology as your mortal enemy," read a translation of the Declaration of the Anonymous Netizens published on a popular English-language blog, The Shanghaiist.
"For the freedom of the Internet, for the advancement of Internetization, and for our rights, we are going to acquaint your censorship machine with systematic sabotage and show you just how weak the claws of your censorship really are," the declaration continued.
Ai Weiwei, a well-known Chinese artist who recently was put under government surveillance for his attempts to create a complete list of children killed in last year's Sichuan earthquake, has called for a boycott of the Internet on July 1 as a protest against the Green Dam software.
--------
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
The 3 slogans of the Ministry of Truth in Orwell's "1984"
This is yet another post about China.
Ahead of the 60th anniversary (on 1st of October later this year) when Communist China was established, OBVIOUSLY China is taking serious measure to make sure everything goes rosy and great for this important for the Party event...
ANYthing that can question, threaten It's authority will be 'harmonized'.
So the censorship machine is rolling relentlessly. As I already pointed out (it turns out others have similar thought and observations the recent Green Dam filtering censorship software might turn out to be an idea that will most probably have the opposite of the sought result...
Some have already noted the short term and long term implications of the enforced censorship...
I'm not sure about that. We must wait and see.
I have NO doubt that the recent Internet crackdowns are not just directed at really preventing porn from harming the young generation...I'm just sure that the purpose(s) is larger and broader...The anti-porn campaign is just giving credibility to the real purposes of the Internet crackdown. More simply put - the aim is control. Control (restriction) of freedom of expression, freedom of information, freedom of disagreement...
And while this Green Dam fiasco might have already backfired and actually prompted some people to become even more anti-censorship savvy and sensitive to the thuggish control coming from the top (some have already protested and even issued a manifesto, see below...), in the long term I'm thinking if this software and other measures actually manage to hold up it will have unimaginable consequences for the majority of the Internet users. And as we well can imagine controlling the Masses is more crucial than controlling everybody...Maybe the Government thinks that that is a risk worth taking.
Those who are more obstinate will find ways to circumvent the "Great Firewall", the others will just complacently put up with it...In the long run, people just accept "reality" and live with it. That's it. There is an amazing Chinese "quality", that always irritates me the most - putting up, indifference and complacency with the current status-quo of things...it is almost a miracle for someone to even question and demand change...Not a big one, even just a small dayly matter one...It's not that Chinese don't see problems or don't mutter under their nose complaining. But it is extremely rare that they will take actual action in improving or changing things...That's my explanation as to why the hell change is so incredibly slow in China. For an extremely dynamic country (perhaps unparalleledly dynamic) real, essentials change takes place with the slowness of eons...
The Chinese are ULRA practical people. If the intrusion is not too great they will just put up with it. There is a line of "tolerance" that if not crossed will just not lead to substantial disruption of the status quo. Ironically the Chinese proud themselves with their "endurance" 忍. And while endurance can actually be a positive quality in many cases it can easily be a negative one. In my view, if you have principles you should stick to them. In many cases Chinese-style "endurance" is actually meaning that they have nothing to stand up for. Nothing to defend, no values they feel strongly about, no principles that are crucial to honorable existence, no dignity. This kind of "endurance" I just don't respect and refuse to accept.
----
Meanwhile. China has obviously declared war to Google Inc. After blocking YouTube and Blogger some time ago, on Wednesday all Google services were disrupted, including main search engine, Gmail, Google Talk, etc.
It's an all out Cold War of China VS Google Inc.
Under the pretext that Google's search engine is providing links to porn sites, China is extorting (blackmailing) the popular mega-corporation to make even more compliant to "Chinese law" changes. (China's local search engine Baidu is linking to porn sites undisturbed meanwhile)
Google search already has complied with previous China "requests" for censorship. They will most probably do so now too.
The US government issued a formal protest against the Green Dam software, but the emphasis is on the trade, business aspect of the issue (firms are given the costly ultimatum to provide the questionable software with each PC sold in China after 1st of July)...
Hm. How about human rights issues?!
In some relevance, Yahoo!'s CEO on Thursday said a memorable sentence when asked about the requirements of the Chinese government and their implications for the restriction of freedom of information. (Not Yahoo!'s job to 'fix China': CEO )
She said: It is not Yahoo!'s job to fix the Chinese government.” That’s not the mandate that the shareholders gave us."
Hm, that comes from a company infamous for disclosing information before to the Chinese government which led to the imprisonment of Chinese dissidents...
So. When the question is about money big companies such as Microsoft, Yahoo! and Google with probably think more about profit rather than on loosing trust with "consumers"...
In Google's case, the most free-source and a corporation that has already won the trust and respect of users, whose motto by the way is "Don't Be Evil", siding up with "Evil" in excange of material interests will be a crucial loss of trust and respect. At least on my side...
----
Green Dam-ned related blog post and news:
Rebecca MacKinnon who specializes in studying Chinese media and Internet in her BLOG RConversation(blocked in China)in her blog post "China's censorship blowback" observed:
Most of China's educated, largely apolitical, internet-connected urbanites have until now been generally willing to accept the political status quo - and with it a certain amount of censorship, thuggishness and injustice, political paranoia and occasional bizarreness - in exchange for overall social stability (compared to any other time in living Chinese memory), economic growth, plus an impressive increase in China's global power and status. But whoever is driving the latest Internet crackdown and the accompanying moralistic propaganda drive may have done substantial damage to the government's credibility.
------------
China Blocks Google to Stifle Online Dissent Ahead of Nation's 60th Anniversary
"The U.S. and China are waging a war over the Internet, a war of information. It's a new Cold War," said Li Xiguang, dean of the journalism school at Beijing's Tsinghua University.
A declaration published Thursday by anonymous Chinese Internet users promised that all new efforts at censorship would be met with online sabotage.
"We are the Anonymous Netizens. We have seen your moves on the Internet. You have deprived your netizens of the freedom of speech. You have come to see technology as your mortal enemy," read a translation of the Declaration of the Anonymous Netizens published on a popular English-language blog, The Shanghaiist.
"For the freedom of the Internet, for the advancement of Internetization, and for our rights, we are going to acquaint your censorship machine with systematic sabotage and show you just how weak the claws of your censorship really are," the declaration continued.
Ai Weiwei, a well-known Chinese artist who recently was put under government surveillance for his attempts to create a complete list of children killed in last year's Sichuan earthquake, has called for a boycott of the Internet on July 1 as a protest against the Green Dam software.
--------
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
The 3 slogans of the Ministry of Truth in Orwell's "1984"
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