Sadness

I haven't posted for a while...My last post is 10 days old.
Meanwhile I was away from Beijing for a week down to Canton (Guangdong Province) for a (well-paid) translation job...
That makes my plan to go on a trip to Tibet (a trip I'm really looking forward to and hope it will happen) in the beginning of July possible, which of course is the reason I took up this job in the first place...
Actually in a way it was an interesting experience. It gave me an insight into part of China’s reality I haven’t experienced before…There is a lot I can say and recount about those 6 days, but I will do this in another post in the coming days...
These days I just don't feel like writing...

Meanwhile.I came back 2 days ago and it feels so strange...
The truth is I feel an immense feeling of emptiness and sadness...
I can't help but feel very depressed. Even more than usual.
The problem is I know the reasons for my depression very well.
Time passes relentlessly. Days, weeks, months pass and I don't seem to be able to fix and mend things I wanted and needed so much to fix and positively change...I have almost no hope left that things will improve even a little bit.
It makes me feel very helpless and incredibly sad.
I don't know what to do anymore...
I really don't know.

I hope with all of my heart things can somehow miraculously turn for the better. Somehow. I don't hope for impossible things. I just hope to have a chance to make things better.

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Three days ago, on June 16th, was my birthday. I got a stuffed grey plush dolphin as a present from a stranger in a bar in one of the most boring/depressing towns I have visited ever.
I usually don't much celebrate birthdays and holidays anyway, but my feeling of loneliness increased acutely...