Melancholy and sadness

This picture by A. Durer depicting a melancholy emersed angel is one of my favourite works of Art. It was on my wall in my Beijing dorm for some time (after I bought a small poster at a British Museum exibition in Beijing)...It is a very beautiful image.

My current emotional condition is actually really not good. I feel very depressed, disheartened, sad. I lack any motivation to do anything.
After a very improved emotional condition in August, during which I felt full of motivation and ability to be organised and constructively being able to do many things, now I feel completely exhausted even since waking up in the morning and feel completely disheartened...

It is really not good, but I see no way to cope with it, currently that's how it is..

Yesterday afternoon I went to see an exhibition about Ikebana (the Japanese art of flower arrangement) at the Museum of Kyoto in an attempt to go out of my room and do something meaningful. (The exhibition was actually somewhat disappointing.)However, at one point I remembered my first encounter with ikebana which was long time ago. I think I was 10 or 11 then. Our school (as any school in the country at that time) each year had something like a knowledge competition day in which students would prepare for and be a day of competition on very broad fields of knowledge, from science, history to art and culture. Students from various grades and classes will compete in different fields of knowledge participating in various types of competitions in which they would demonstrate their knowledge or skill in the filed of knowledge. It is actually a very interesting paradox about the then education. Although we were heavily politically brainwashed, the education was actually very comprehensive and definitely good, and did not made us culturally ignorant. I remember that among other things I participated in an ikebana competition (I really don't know how ikebana was even a part of the Soviet-style competition), but I remember I won it. Of course I didn't receive any training or instruction on flower arranging, I just used my intuition.

Yesterday, while walking through the museum exhibition I remembered this childhood memory and it really deeply struck me again how deep and long-standing is my connection to Japan and East Asia. And here I am now, having realised my childhood and adolescent dream, due to my melancholy and very low spirits I fail to actually enjoy it and use this great chance creatively and constructively...

Just as the depressed angel in Durer's picture, sitting dejected and melancholy...